


I'm tired of looking at myself in my rear view

by watyonameisgurl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, F/M, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Relationship(s), Song Lyrics, Songfic, rEaR vIeW, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 12:48:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7640845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watyonameisgurl/pseuds/watyonameisgurl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Zayn reflects on everything that’s happened over the past year and a half and feels like he’s finally starting to pick up the pieces of his life and put himself back together again. And then Liam calls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm tired of looking at myself in my rear view

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first song fic/ficlet. I don’t usually do them cause I feel like most of the time they’re pretty cheesy (although I have read a few here and there that were pretty good), but I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately and I couldn’t shake the idea so I decided to just go ahead and write it. 
> 
> (Side note for anyone reading this who’s also been reading my other story Hello Twelve, Hello Love: I promise you guys I haven’t abandoned that fic, I am still working on it, I just sort of hit a metaphorical brick wall with a particular scene and I’ve been struggling to get past it but the next chapter should be up soon!)
> 
> [Title obvi from Zayn’s “rEaR vIeW”]

_Can your heart be mine in search?_  
_'Cause I have no time to help you find_  
_All the words_  
_Melodies and memories_  
_Stories that sound absurd_  
_I will tell no lies_

He’s told Liam he loved him so many times he feels like it’s lost its meaning.

He needed to get away. Not just from Liam, but from all the other shit too. The waking up in a constant state of confusion, not knowing where, when, or why he was. Management and PR and the constant touring and screaming girls and no sleep and fucking fake engagements. Not that he has anything against Perrie. None of it was ever her fault. She’d been forced into it just as much as he had, and he did love her, that part at least wasn’t a lie. Which had made it easier when the PR team first suggested the whole engagement thing in a last-ditch effort quell the gay rumors. It was a quick fix, and an easy one in their eyes because they’d already had their hands full with the whole Larry Stylinson thing, and him and Perrie had already been together for a while anyway. To everyone else it would just look like another celebrity couple following the trend of getting engaged young. Problem solved. Never mind the fact that Perrie was just supposed to be a distraction from Liam. Or at least that’s how things had started out anyway.

From the moment he’d first met her—the pretty girl with the purple hair and the blue eyes who couldn’t be more different from Liam if she tried—he’d known that they wouldn’t be more than a fleeting thing, that is until PR got involved. But she’d charmed her way into his heart anyway, she’d been sweet and funny and flirty in all the right ways and it’d been a nice escape from the constant mantra of _LiamLiamLiam_ in his head. She knew how he felt about Liam, figured it out pretty quickly because as she put it, it was obvious to anyone with eyes, except Liam apparently, but she didn’t mind.

And he thinks that’s probably half the reason he came to love and respect her as much as he did. As much as he still does. Though not as much as he does Liam, _never_ as much as Liam, who if he’s completely honest with himself will always be the weight that holds him steady to the ground in this whirlwind that has become his life. Even just the thought of Liam—with his easy smiles and soft, playful touches and that almost childlike innocence that somewhere along the way morphed into unabashed confidence and borderline cockiness—still grounds him in a way that nothing else can when he’s feeling on edge, despite all the distance between them now.

 _As long as you look me in the eyes_  
_I'll go wherever you are_  
_I'll follow behind_

He thinks about all the moments he and Liam shared. All the lingering looks and touches that never went anywhere because no matter how much he wanted more, Zayn wasn’t going to be the one to fuck things up between them by crossing that line if Liam didn’t feel the same about him. He’d been content just to have Liam in his life at all. To perform with him every night and feel Liam’s reassuring arm around his waist as they posed for pictures or Liam’s breath on his neck as they huddled together in his bunk late at night talking about everything and nothing at all. To watch the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed or the way his whole face lit up when he saw Zayn working on a new drawing.

 _Heard about all the things you've done_  
_And all the wars that you've been in_  
_Heard about all the love you lost_  
_It was over before it began_  
_Heard about all the miles you've gone_  
_Just to start again_  
_Heard about all that you've been through_  
_It sounds like you need a friend, a friend_

He remembers how devastated Liam had been after Danielle, and then Sophia, and thinks that it’s probably for the best that they never crossed that line because it would’ve made leaving a million times harder. It was something he needed to do for himself, for his own sanity’s sake. And he’s glad that he finally got the chance to explain that to Liam and that Liam _gets it_ because it was tearing him up inside going all that time, _months_ , sure that Liam—and the other boys too, but mostly Liam—hated him and would never forgive him. Harry, Louis, and Niall still aren’t answering his calls and he doesn’t blame them. They have every right to be angry at him and as much as it hurts, it’s at least a hurt he can learn to live with.

 _Please don't wait_  
_I'm not coming home tonight_  
_I wanna love you but I can't_

It wasn’t long after he’d left the band that things with Perrie started to go to shit. He spent the majority of his time brooding, moody and upset over the way things had ended with the boys, and she’d tried to be understanding at first, giving him space when he needed it and just being there for him when he couldn’t stand to be alone anymore. But it got to a point where he started picking fights with her over nothing at all just to take his anger out on someone other than himself. Until it felt more fair to her to just end things and put them both out of their misery, rather than to keep the charade going any longer. He was angry not just at himself for leaving the band the way he did but also at Management and PR and the world in general. Angry at them for even putting him in a position where he felt like he had no other choice but to leave if he didn’t want to live the rest of his life in their tiny cardboard box being told how to be, how to fucking exist, in a way that was pleasing and acceptable to them. How to look, how to talk, how to touch, how to sing, what to say, what to wear, what to do, what not to do. Constantly feeling like his entire existence was just wrong and being made to feel like shit on practically a daily basis. Scheduling fucking interviews on top of interviews on top of concerts on top of meet-and-greets on top of more interviews and being expected to smile through it all like a perfect little fucking robot; a living Ken doll trapped in his own perfect little Dream House prison.

Knowing Liam was right there with him through it all helped, at first anyway. But as the months and then years passed it began to feel more and more like he was suffocating. The same smiles, hugs, soft touches, and lingering looks that had once been comforting started to feel more and more like torture. His own personal hell. He simultaneously craved it and hated it. Found himself wanting to cling to Liam and run away from him all at the same time, and on top of the constant pressure he was already feeling it was just too much. He had to leave.

 _As long as you look me in the eyes_  
_I'll go wherever you are_  
_I'll follow behind_

He talks to Liam from time to time now. They’ve even met up a few times just to chill when they were both in L.A. though he still hasn’t told Liam that part of the reason he left was because of him. Their friendship is fragile enough as it is with everything that’s happened in the last year and a half and besides, Liam doesn’t need that on his conscience. He seems happy enough with Cheryl and that’s good enough for Zayn. He’s mostly just happy to have Liam back in his life at all after spending so long thinking they’d never speak again.

 _Heard about all the things you've done_  
_And all the wars that you've been in_  
_Heard about all the love you lost_  
_It was over before it began_  
_Heard about all the miles you've gone_  
_Just to start again_  
_Heard about all that you've been through_  
_It sounds like you need a friend, a friend_

The solo thing is hard, he’s not used to being on his own like this but it’s still going way better than he could have ever imagined or hoped for. Those first few weeks without Perrie had been almost as hard as those first few months without Liam. He’d known it was the right thing to do for her sake more so than his but it was the first time he’d been on his own, _truly_ on his own, and it scared him. Neelam had been a warm body to fill the empty space in his bed but they’d both known it wouldn’t last. She was so headstrong and focused on her career and he was still half-broken, though he’d tried hard to hide it. He thinks if things were different—maybe if he’d never met Perrie and things had gone differently with the band—he could’ve loved her. But she moved on and so he did the same.

Now it feels like he’s finally starting to pick up the pieces of his life and put himself back together again. He’s making music with actual meaning. And he’s got Gigi, who’s sweet and supportive and in a lot of ways reminds him of Perrie. He doesn’t love her, he’s not sure he’ll be ready to love anyone again for a while, but he enjoys her company. He’s still not over Liam, doesn’t know if he ever will be and although Gigi still thinks it’s Perrie that he’s not over, she’s surprisingly sweet and understanding about it all.

 _I never doubted myself_  
_But I doubted you_  
_I'm tired of looking at myself_  
_In my rear view_

He’s in the middle of working on a new song when a Google alert comes through on his phone about Liam signing a solo record deal with Capitol Records. It shouldn’t surprise him as much as it does, especially considering that their last few conversations have consisted mostly of Liam asking him for advice and about what it’s been like for Zayn so far being without the band and all. But he’d thought they were in a good place, or at least good enough that he figured Liam might’ve mentioned it to him first. Not that he had any obligation to, especially after the way Zayn left himself, but still.

He texts Liam to tell him congrats along with a bunch of emojis, but when a few hours pass with no response he starts to wonder if this is Liam’s way of getting payback for how he left them. If it is, he gets it. And he deserves it. It’s only fair, after all. But he’s done wallowing in self-pity and guilt. He left that behind a long time ago, some time between his break-up with Perrie and his first solo interview. He’s man enough to admit to himself now that the _way_ he left was pretty shitty, but he won’t apologize for leaving and he shouldn’t have to. Another few hours pass before he realizes he’s being an idiot, making a big deal out of nothing. Liam’s not like him or Louis; he wouldn’t be petty just for the hell of it. He probably just figured Zayn already knew what he was planning from all the questions he was asking, and now he’s most likely off celebrating his newfound freedom.

When Liam calls him back the next day, he sounds exhausted but happy. “Hey, thanks for the text!”

“’Course, Li,” he says, smiling. “’M really happy for you.”

“Thanks! Sorry I didn’t get a chance to tell you before. I wanted to, it’s just the news broke earlier than I expected and then everything got kind of crazy, you know? I swear my phone hasn’t stopped ringing for longer than five minutes in the last twenty-four hours.”

Zayn laughs. “Yeah, I bet. So…how does freedom feel?”

He can practically hear Liam grinning through the phone when he says, “Amazing, actually. I know I said before that I got it—why you left, I mean—and I _did_ , sort of, but now…I don’t know, it’s just different. I think now I _really_ get it, in a way I didn’t before.” Liam laughs. “Sorry, I’m not making any sense, am I?”

“S’alright, I know what you mean. It’s _me_ you’re talking to, remember? I get it.”

“Right, how could I forget? You’re like the King of All Things Cryptic,” he says laughing, which makes Zayn laugh too. There’s a brief pause and then Liam continues, his voice going a little softer. “You were always so different from the rest of us, you know. And I don’t mean that in a bad way or anything, the opposite actually. But I think maybe it was easier…for me and for the other lads to go along with everything. And when I think about it now, all the _shit_ they threw at us, at _you_ , for just being ourselves…I can’t imagine how much harder it must’ve been for you. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m really sorry for all the shit everyone gave you about leaving, from Louis and the media and even the fans. You didn’t deserve any of it. You deserve better, you’ve _always_ deserved better.”

Something changes in Liam’s voice at that last statement, something that makes him think maybe Liam’s talking about more than just Zayn leaving. But then again he’s probably just reading into things.

“Liam?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. You know that, right?” He means for it to come off in a friendly way, but he hears Liam take a breath and then pause, as if he’s preparing to say something but not sure if he should.

“Zayn…” Liam says, his voice so soft now it’s almost a whisper, “do—do you ever think about…I mean, do you ever wonder…what it would’ve been like for _us_ if we—if things were…different?”

It takes him a moment to realize what Liam’s really asking, what he’s leaving unspoken, and another moment for the shock to wear off. Zayn had resigned himself to thinking that it was just him, that Liam was just indulging him by responding, trying to be a good friend. But if Liam’s really asking what he thinks he’s asking…he’s not sure if he can handle that. He realizes suddenly that he’s shivering, his palm sweaty as he grips the phone tight to his ear.

They’re teetering that line, the one he swore to himself he’d never cross again after that kiss. It had been a moment of boldness, a way to test the waters so to speak, but Liam had just laughed nervously afterwards, so Zayn had passed it off as a joke to protect his own pride. Even joked about it in an interview as a way to prove to Liam—and somewhat misguidedly, to himself—that it was no big deal. And then Liam had done the same a couple years later. But things are different now. Liam’s free. Zayn’s free. They should be able to talk about it. But Zayn’s not sure if he can, so he talks around it instead.

“Liam…do you love her?”

“What?”

“Cheryl. Do you love her?”

There’s a long pause. So long that Zayn starts to wonder if Liam is going to answer him at all. Minutes pass and it feels like hours, time stretching on and on, the silence broken only by the sound of their own shallow breaths. But finally Liam sighs and says, “I don’t know.”

Zayn nods even though he knows Liam can’t see him.

“I don’t know,” Liam repeats, “but I know that…I love _you_. _I love you_. And I’m sorry it took me so long to say it, that it took you _leaving_ to say it. I just—I couldn’t say it before, I couldn’t even admit it to myself…I was too afraid of what it meant—for me, for us, for the band. And then you _left_ and it felt like…like half of me was _missing_ and I would never be whole again. And I don’t blame you. I don’t. Because you were just doing what you had to, and I know I didn’t make things any easier on you. But I just—I’m sorry. I was an idiot and I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize—”

“No, I _do_. If I had just had the balls to admit it to myself, to _you_ , instead of being such a coward, then maybe things would be different, maybe we could have—”

“You’re not a coward, Liam,” Zayn interrupts, frowning into the phone. “You weren’t ready and you can’t blame yourself for that. You can’t change the past. And it’s not fair to torture yourself thinking about what-ifs. Things happened the way they did, and we’re here now and…all we can do is focus on the future.”

He doesn’t know if there’s even a chance of a future for them at this point. Not when Liam’s life is halfway around the world with Cheryl and Zayn’s still in New York with Gigi. Not when they’re both still supposed to be in committed relationships. Not after everything that’s happened and hasn’t happened between them. But the idea is there. The chance is there, and he’s caught somewhere between relieved and fucking terrified.

“The future,” Liam says. “ _God_ , the future. Do you think we can even still have that? A future together?”

“I don’t know.” Zayn pauses, takes a deep breath. “Do _you_? Do you even still want that? With me?”

Liam takes a deep breath, too, before he says, “Yeah, I…I do…I do. Or, I want to at least try.”

Zayn’s grinning into the phone now. He can’t help it. This feels like a dream. A dream he never thought he could even have, but it’s happening. Or it will happen. Maybe not right now, but they have time. Liam wants to try and that’s all that matters right now. That’s more than Zayn could have ever hoped for a year ago, six months ago, an hour ago even. He doesn’t even know when he started giggling, but before he knows it Liam’s joined in and it feels just like old times.

 _Heard about all the things you've done_  
_And all the wars that you've been in_  
_Heard about all the love you lost_  
_It was over before it began_  
_Heard about all the miles you've gone_  
_Just to start again_  
_Heard about all that you've been through_  
_It sounds like you need a friend, a friend_

**Author's Note:**

> I know Perrie was still blonde when they first got together but in the moment I just thought the purple hair thing flowed better with the story so I went ahead and took a bit of an artistic liberty with that. Hope you guys enjoyed this though!
> 
> Also if you haven’t listened to rEaR vIeW yet, or the album in general, go listen to it asap cause it’s literal fire and it’s basically a necessity at this point.
> 
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](http://yaz-the-spaz.tumblr.com)! ☺


End file.
